Talking about the ‘bad things’ that happen was a no-no growing up.
So I learned to stay quiet and avoid causing ‘trouble.’
But at some point, staying quiet is no longer an option, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
You see, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly half of women in the U.S. have experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.
And I am one of them.
It took almost 30 years to finally admit what had happened to me.
For most of my life, I carried the shame and guilt of it. But that was only the beginning.
It took years to understand how the trauma had affected who I was as a person, the decisions I made, the way I related to people. I was numb to my emotions. I felt less than. And the walls I had built to keep me safe also kept me from forming bonds with others.
For a long time, I thought, that’s just me.
But it wasn’t.
A lot of it was the result of the coping mechanisms my younger self had built to protect me.
When the Conversation Turned to Men
So when my friend, who is also a survivor of SA, shared her thoughts about the Cornell 7 case — the seven young men accused of gang-raping a young woman — this time, she brought the men in her life into the conversation, and my immediate thought was, “I’ve never had this conversation with my son.”
Or with any men at all. I had never considered it.
That realization made me see that I was part of the problem too.
As my friend was saying, the system allows or justifies ‘boys being boys,’ but what about us as adults, as parents, grandparents? How are we taking responsibility?
I can start with me. I realized that I never spoke to my son about this.
He was raised in a house filled with women, and I think that helped shape who he is today. But a house full of women isn’t the same as a conversation about respect, accountability, and how women should be treated.
That made me think about the phrase, “boys will be boys.”
I wonder…
Is this phrase freeing men from taking accountability?
Is it excusing whatever men do?
I believe this case has given many of us a chance to reflect on how we contribute to the problem and what we can do to change what has been normalized.
Because women shouldn’t say they feel safer with a bear than with a man. Women shouldn’t have to live with shame and guilt while men get excused. For example, in this case, some were asked to write a reflection essay.
Respect Requires More Than Good Intentions
I also think the conversation is understanding that respecting women requires more than saying, “I’ve never raped anyone. I’ve never physically hurt a woman.”
That is an incredibly low bar.
These questions came to mind:
How do you treat women when no one is watching?
Do you lie to her? Do you deceive her?
Do you believe lying and deceiving is treating her with respect?
If you humiliate a woman, does the fact that you didn’t physically hurt her make it respectful?
When a guy friend degrades a woman, do you laugh, stay quiet, or speak up?
And what are the young men in your life learning from your behavior?
Cheating or deception is not the same thing as sexual assault. It isn’t.
But disrespecting and dehumanizing women doesn’t begin with sexual violence. It can begin in the way we talk about women, lie to them, humiliate them, use them, or treat their feelings as if they don’t matter.
And when young men see that behavior excused or normalized, what are we teaching them about honesty, empathy, consent, boundaries, accountability, and the humanity of women?
What kind of role models are we being?
Those lessons are being taught long before something terrible happens.
What Are We Choosing to Pass On?
Staying silent can feel easier. Until it hits home.
I’ve reached a point where I realize the woman I’m becoming, the woman whose work is about helping others imagine who they want to become, can’t keep staying quiet.
Typing this has been super uncomfortable, but it’s more painful to stay quiet while I see women living in shame, traumatized, and in some cases in fear because “boys will be boys.”
I’m mad.
Because boys are not born believing it’s okay to disrespect women.
They learn these behaviors from what they see and hear, and what adults allow and tolerate.
As a woman, it saddens me to see what happens to younger women. As a mother, it saddens me to see boys grow into men who feel entitled to women and never learn what real love requires.
I’ll end with this: Who do you want to be for our future generations? For your kid’s kids?
I learned very young to stay quiet about things that made people uncomfortable.
Maybe part of who I’m becoming now is a woman who no longer does that.
I want to have these conversations with the men in my life, but I also want to have them out loud, like I’m doing here. Because if I’m thinking about these things, I know I’m not the only one.
And how do we grow, learn, or change anything if we won’t talk about it?
This is me finally having the courage to do something I didn’t do in the past. Because it’s never too late to take a step in the right direction.
